It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milkbone underwear.
Thursday, September 06, 2012
Beast of Burden
It's one of those things you start writing, then delete, then a couple days later start up again, then delete, then a couple weeks, then a month....
Being as insignificant as it is I thought about blogging my broken ankle injury. At first something fun to pass the time as I literally sat there. Then maybe someone could find common ground from a similar case and be comforted. Then maybe some triumphant recovery that would inspire people or something?
...None of these things happened. So my blog sat. In past I've posted about running, overcoming weight or broken rib non-sense, mostly to make myself feel better, give myself pep talks and whatnot.
...I thought maybe I'd do the same again. I know I need constant pep talks. 2010 was the year of pep talks, the last couple years it just hasn't worked. Not sure what it is yet, I was hoping to find what was broken this year and fix it, then I broke, literally.
...So I dislocated and broke my ankle and snapped a tendon, big deal right? It happens all the time apparently, just never noticed. Now everyone and their dogs has broken an ankle. It happened 2 weeks before the big family get together Keith Young Memorial 5k.
...I ran a timed 5k that morning for practice, did ok, not great, but I knew where I stood and how much work I needed to do in the next 2 weeks in order to compete with everyone. I was registered for another 5k and had plans of at least 3-4 more races for the year, who knows. One of the first things that went through my mind was that I was going to miss these races. Of course a ton of stuff went through my mind after, like "how am I gonna take care of my family, how can I work, great I'm gonna get fat". Stuff like that.
...To my surprise I was pretty calm and upbeat on the way to the hospital and while I was there. Having my brothers there joking around made things bearable.
For the first month or so I was pretty much in a state of "whatever, it happened, no sense complaining and feeling sorry for yourself, lets just get through this" kind of attitude. Which was good. I had some set backs with breathing, getting sick, junk like that.
...When the races were going on I thought I was going to get depressed, thinking about people out there having fun and what not. But I didn't. Sure it stunk, but again "no sense beating my self up over it" attitude.
...Things change however. There were occasions and situations that started piling up, started taking their toll on my mental and emotional state. Watching my wife have to do everything. Watching her take care of birthdays, including her own, on her own. Having her bus me around, watching her exhaust herself dealing with the kids and all their stuff going on during the summer. Watching my new backyard sit there, waiting for someone to clear it out,get it ready to finish. All the "here take this to dad, do this for dad, dad needs this" garbage started taking its toll. One of the worst things take to heart is the fact that your kids view you as 'fragile'. My father has broken every bone in his body at least twice and I still think of him as the toughest man I know. Having my boss put his "owner" duties on the back burner so he could do my work started taking its toll.
...When the cast came off and the boot went on a little bit of hope started creeping back in. On the horizon I'll be able to walk again and stuff. Well it didn't happen. Putting pressure on my foot to walk was unbearable, even after 4 weeks of weight bearing I'm only just now able to use one crutch and limp slowly.
...Yeah I've had a couple spills. I've landed on my foot a couple times, maybe hindering the recovery process, but I should be farther along. At my last Dr. appointment he was surprised I was still on my crutches. I have impacted swelling that may take another 3 months to completely go away. I'm doing physical therapy also. I thought I could do it myself, nope. Its been frustrating to say the least.
...I was hoping to be walking unassisted for our anniversary, but I wasn't. We haven't taken the kids anywhere fun or cool in years, we are hoping to take them to Moab this November (when its not hot and cheaper). I keep telling myself, "Oh I'll be able hike all over the rocks and uneven ground 8 miles a day no problem". In the back of my mind I'm a little scared I won't be ready. I'm pretty sure I will be, I mean its 3 months out right? Maybe I won't be teaching the kids how to jump from rock to rock, well at least not by example.
...I've been off crutches now for a couple weeks, still limping, not able to do a whole lot. When working I've had to put the boot back on a couple times just to make it around. Now I just wear the brace, but haven't had to do too much on it yet.
...Anyways I know its a long read already, but getting to the juice of it I think.
When accidents or certain things happen, some people ask themselves, "what am I supposed to learn from this experience?" I've thought that too. It may not be correct, it may be more than just one thing, but I have something I need to work on.
...I don't know if everyone gets like this, but I do. Now I'll be the first to tell you my poop stinks. I'm nothing special, I got nothing going on. But I have thought, on more than one occasion that, "this place would fall apart without me". You know that puffed up chest when you do the dishes, the laundry, mow the lawn, pulled weeds, make it to work on time, do a good job, make a customer happy, you know that puffed up chest? Now I've probably had more "you idiot" moments then pride moments, but the idiot moments you learn from. The pride moments you just wanna puff up even more. Lets be honest, having pride feels good. It ok to be proud, especially of something good, but not to the point of boasting. "This place would fall apart if I wasn't around" -thats boastful pride talking, thats not good.
...History has shown whats happens to those prideful people, they fall. Maybe thats why I fell?
...You know what? Life went on without me. House didn't fall apart, probably functioned better without me. Work was just fine without me, probably functioned better. No matter what, I have no reason to boast. I can be proud and greatfull for my family and my employer. You won't find a more generous people.
...It's a humbling thing to know your not needed. Now people will be nice and say they need you, but deep down you know they don't.
...So now what? Well sometimes when your humble,down, feeling sorry for yourself, your easier to teach? Maybe stand up, dust yourself, get outside and get the stink blown off ya, and learn something. Maybe its something as simple as just going about your daily duties like you were before, because even if YOU don't feel like you matter, YOU still do. Every person's choice affects somebody elses. You might not see it, you might not believe in it. I do.
...Maybe you need to start adjusting your life in a way that you do matter. Maybe you need to put yourself in such a position that places will crumble without you. Not that you want them to crumble, but that you don't want to be replaced!
...I'm not sure what it is for me, what I need to do, maybe a bit of both or maybe something else entirely. But I do know that I'm where I am not because of me, but because people are allowing me to be there. A monkey with a rock can take place in a heartbeat. I need to be a better monkey.
...I know my other blog is the 'music' one, but this song came out about the same time as all this other nonsense. It kinda fits.